A Death in the Family

My sister's father-in-law died a few days ago, and I am very sorry for her family's loss. It took me back to a time almost exactly10 years ago when my own father-in-law passed away. He was a healthy and active man of 64, and while vacationing at a luxious hotel in the Black Forest his heart just ceased to beat in his sleep. Just like that, he was gone. My husband, his sister, and all those who knew and loved Walter, including myself, were shocked and unbelieving at first, and then the grief and sadness overwhelmed us. Somehow we got through those first horrible days, making arrangements not only for the funeral, but also to bring his body home. And I do mean home, as we put the open casket in his house, in the beautiful room with the fireplace where the blooming forsythias lightly tapped at the window. Word got around town quickly, as he was a very successful business man, heading his own company in our city, and the doorbell did not stop ringing as people came by to pay their last respects. As evening approached, we realized we should eat something, even though the adults did not really felt hungry, but the kids, his grandchildren, needed to be fed. So we ordered pizza at a local Italian restaurant where Walter spent many an evening and considered the proprieter and his wife friends. When picking up the order, my brother-in-law related the sad news to the owners Domenico and Barbara who were also stunned and saddened. A few hours later, Domenico came over to say good-bye, literally talking to Walter as if he would respond. When finished, he bent to kiss his friend one last time. The gesture surprised and touched us -- Italians obviously have a different way of grieving for the departed.

Clearly losing a loved one causes grief and sadness in any culture, but the ways of dealing with it are not always the same. My Thai sister-in-law Waree lost her brother when he was shot working as an undercover cop, and she told me the hardest part was to renounce her relationship to him as her religion (and culture?) required. I can see why that was tough. I have noticed differences between German and American traditions in dealing with death, although not quite so dramatic. When Walter died and people came to extend their sympathy (still days before the funeral), the family somehow managed to serve coffee to the visitors, and maybe something sweet to go with it. I was still in high school when my own Grandfather died, and my memory is that my family was inundated with food, which in all honesty is a wonderfully practical American tradition that I have never experienced here. Ofcourse after both funerals, there was food and beverage served to all that cared to stay after the service.

Because I have never really dealt with cemetaries or graves in the States, I do not know the exact customs, but the cemetaries of my childhood all had headstones with a field of grass gently covering all the plots. Here in Germany, the graveyards are almost like little garden cities, with individual or family plots lovingly cared for by family or a professional gardner. Very often people send sympathy cards containing money or a gift certificate for a plant nursery to help with the plant expenses. Birthdays, anniversaries of the death day, and certain relilgious holidays are special times when family and friends visit the graves of loved ones, bringing floral arrangements, candles or both. All Saints' Day (1 November) is the high point, when the cemetary seemingly turns into a park with so many visitors at once and the graves shine in a sea of candles. It is truly amazing what you can do with floweral arrangements even that late in the year. And people talk if a grave looks neglected -- something we unfortunately experienced first hand when for a very short period Walter's grave did not look as well kept as usual. I have mixed feelings about the whole cemetary issue here in Germany, but one can truthfully say that the cemetaries here are beautiful, serene spots where the dearly departed may truly rest in peace.